Why do we, as a feminist movement, rely on a phrase that targets the very group we accuse of not being a part of our cause?
Two years ago, you could’ve found me yelling “Men are Trash” and then expecting my male friends to not have a response. “If you’re defensive, you’re part of the problem,” I would smugly say to them, ending any conversation.
At the same time, I proudly directed my anger towards the patriarchy at my male friends (many who supported every feminist cause I led) I was trying to include more fraternity members in Preventing Sexual Assault at UMD. I had little success and couldn’t figure out why.
I spent the Spring of 2019 working on sexual assault education aimed at starting conversations in the UMD Greek Community through student-led discussions on bystander intervention. I recognized that the answer to successful education is to actively fight the idea that fraternity brothers are perpetrators and sorority sisters are victims, but instead bring the focus to the concept that this is ALL of our community and we together are the best equipped to solve this issue.
The programming has since been a success. I’ve watched fraternity members ask questions which it was clear they had never been given the space to ask before. I’ve watched sorority sisters recognize that they are not only victims in the lens of power based violence, but bystanders and even perpetrators too. I’ve watched members of Greek Life recognize the power dynamics they played a role in outside of gender (age, race, Greek Life, etc.). And I’ve watched fraternity brothers finally being spoken to as fellow bystanders and victims, with respect, like the conversation would be incomplete without them.
Not one person in the room during this conversation was yelling “Men are Trash.” We realized this problem was bigger than a specific gender, bigger than us.
By including men in the conversation, welcoming their insights and making a judgement-free space for their questions, the conversation became about how to progress moving forward. If we had walked through the door with the mentality that all men are trash until proven otherwise, the men in the room would’ve had to instead spend the conversation explaining why they were different. A defensive attitude would’ve immediately ruined any vulnerability I so carefully crafted, and would’ve left the men feeling isolated from a problem they want to fix, with their questions still unanswered.
Putting myself into a man’s shoes, even if I was doing my best to navigate power dynamics that no one has ever educated me on due to a failure in our education systems, there is still a part of me that would immediately be defensive to “All Men are Trash”. As a man, I would understand they weren’t talking about me, but how can I help when it seems like they don’t want men’s help?
Gender inequality is not only a Women’s issue, but aren’t we making it one if we are so set on naming men as the enemy?
As a feminist, the first lesson I learned is that the patriarchy and men are two very different things. In fact, the patriarchy hurts men as much as it hurts women. Men die by suicide at over 3.5x the rate of women largely because of the gender structures the patriarchy burdens them with.
So why do we interchange “the patriarchy” with “men” when we really want to say the patriarchy is trash. For everyone. Sorority girls, Fraternity members, our LGBT community, BIPOC women, yourself, and your next door neighbor. Everyone.
If our goal is to make feminism everyone’s cause, not just women’s, it’s time we stop immediately putting men on the defensive with this popular phrase. I understand we’re angry. I wake up everyday wondering if the news is going to make me heartbroken or full of rage. But misdirecting our anger towards a demographic that already doesn’t know how where to begin is harmful and provides no long term benefits. The men who “are trash” aren’t listening and the men who “aren’t trash” feel helpless and excluded from the feminist movement.
The patriarchy is trash. Most men want to help dismantle it. Let’s actively welcome them into the conversations and the movement.
Lizzie Mafrici, September 2020